Life... To Be Continued

It's a lot harder than it seems.

Parents say that college and a career are essential in life, even if it's something you hate. As long as it makes good money. The "American Dream" some would call it. "That's just the way it is. That's life."

Good ol' religious folk say you have to know proper theology and doctrine, and don't get me wrong, that's not necessarily bad, but so many people seem content to do just that and only that. Sure, you can know doctrine and theology, old and new, but what good does it do if you just KNOW it and don't do anything with it, or worse, use it as a tool of hatred, just as the Pharisees.

Politicians say you have to focus on this issue or another, pick one side or another. Which one is it? Left, right, republican, democrat, abortion, gay marriage, the environment? What if you care about issues on both sides? What if things aren't as black and white as they seem?

The past year I've been working a job I absolutely hate. My goal was to buy a car and pay it off, something that has been completed for awhile now, but I'm still there... because of the money. Most people would say that's a good enough reason, but I believe there is more to life than that. I refuse to believe that just because a majority of people say that that's just the way life is, that it has to be that way.

The last couple of months I've been saying to God, "Lord just tell me what to do, show me what to do, because I'm slowly dying here." A couple of weeks ago, He answered. A friend asked me to go on a mission trip to Mexico with a few other people. Now, if you has asked me a year ago to go on a plane, or a mission trip, I would have said "thanks, but no thanks." This time, I said yes instantly. I didn't think about it, I just said yes. In order to go, however, I have to quit my job, which I am perfectly fine with. Yes, it's a risk. Yes, it was a quick decision. So things go with God sometimes.

I heard a sermon a few weeks ago that really caught my attention. In it, a speaker named Jay Pathak, said something along the lines of "you'll know you're going the way you're supposed to go, because you'll face incredible resistance." Because why would the enemy bother with someone who isn't doing anything to hurt him? I know I answered correctly because resistance has come. I have seemed to face temptation more this last couple of weeks than I have in awhile. Temptation, worry. So many thoughts began to rush through my head after I committed to the trip. What if the plane crashes? What if I get shot in Mexico? What if grandma gets mad at me or can't afford her house anymore? What will I do about money? And then as quickly as it came, it went away. It wasn't that those thoughts went away exactly, but more that the Lord just said "I'll be there, no matter what. I will provide. Just let go." I've heard this said plenty of times in my life, but it seems like it has suddenly clicked. The fear of death, not having enough... it's all gone. Buying more records or movies or video games or what have you, even some relationships... I've let everything distract me and hold be back... and it all just left me empty.

The minute I said yes and took a leap of faith, the resistance came stronger than it had in a very long time, maybe stronger than ever, but since that moment, I have felt more alive than I ever have in my life.

So many opportunties pass us by every day and we, as a society, and even/especially as "followers" of Jesus hardly even notice anymore. Apathy, conformity, animosity, materialism, even religion in many ways, have all become "weapons of mass distraction."

I don't know what life will bring once I get back from the trip. To be honest, I'm not that worried about. I believe He will provide. All I do know is that I don't want to sit still anymore. I don't want to stay here in my comfortable house being bored. I want to be out there, going wherever He leads me, into whatever circumstances He leads me, trusting in Him, and becoming closer to Him and those brothers and sisters He has put into my life to encourage me and others around me... even if it costs me my life (figuratively or literally).

=)

There ARE things that drive me crazy. I am not a patient person in all situations. As much as I hate to admit it, I probably get it from my mother, or my grandparents. It's funny how that goes. Most people, if they were completely honest, would have to admit that they are somehow like their parents, even if they were trying their best not to be. I'm like my mother in some ways. My mom is like my grandma in some ways. My girlfriend is like her mother in too many ways =P
Anyway, yes, I just thought I'd point that out.

Something random. I find it strange when married couples have one facebook account. I mean, I guess it's ok if it's a mutual decision, but if it's only the idea of spouse A, and spouse B just goes along with it to make spouse A happy, I feel like spouse A doesn't trust spouse B. Not necessarily true. Just my opinion.

So we have these little blocks of cedar that have been in the closet for years and I took them out tonight because they had stopped making the closet smell nice. I've just been sitting here smelling them since then. I think cedar is one of my favorite smells, along with home depot, and the smell in the air before rain, and freshly cut grass, and old books or records. Hehe. ;-)

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In all seriousness though...

Today wasn't the best day ever. It wasn't horrible or anything. Nothing crazy happened. Ashlee (my girlfriend) and I kinda had a disagreement or not really a disagreement but something. I don't really remember what it was. Regardless, grandma and I went out for a little while today but thinking about the fight or whatever didn't help.

While I was driving today, I stopped so an ambulance could pass. I was the one who rode along in the ambulance with grandpa the day he died. I was the one sitting in the ambulance as they tried to revive him but couldn't. Seeing and hearing the ambulance today brought it all back, and, for the first time, I realized that I really hate ambulances. They make me think of him and make me want to break down crying.

I miss grandpa so much. There are moments that I feel so confused and overwhelmed by life, and sometimes I just want his guidance and advice. =(

And please don't leave comment(s) saying "he's in a better place" and "let the lord guide you" and other such things. I don't need or want little cliche sayings. They might be true but they're annoying and if you can't think of something more insightful to say besides recycling old cliches, then don't say anything at all

That's half of the subtitle of this blog. Yet for some reason, I always put off writing anything because I tell myself I have nothing to say, won't be able to say it right, or won't be able to say it as well as someone else could. But this blog isn't written by someone else. So I suppose even if someone else wrote it, that someone else would not be me. Though they might say it more grammatically correct or with more beauty, they could never quite say it like me. ;-)

Happy New Year by the way. =)

A video my friend Jon made:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=675613543438&subj=55707210