Life... To Be Continued

A friend of mine said something interesting to me tonight:

"I always have the sense that there is a great deal more going on inside your mind then you say, or maybe even realize. and so i'm always wondering what exactly is going on inside you."

Oh, how true a statement that is.

There probably is a lot of stuff going on inside of my mind that I don't realize. But I can honestly say that there is also alot more going on that I DO realize, and simply have no desire to face. Or if I do want to, I'm not sure how to go about it. There are so many different feelings that I want to express toward so many people. I have no idea where to begin, but the following is a feeble attempt to summarize SOME of those feelings.

First and foremost, toward myself, I would like to express a great deal of frustration. Frustration at the fact that I keep saying I'm going to do things, and never seem to make the time to do them. Frustration at the fact that I, like Paul, never do the things I want to do, and always end up doing the things I don't want to do... if that makes sense. Frustration that I always feel like I'm not quite as good as everyone else, and even more frutration towards the fact that I seem to think that that really even matters.

Towards certain people, I would simply like to express admiration, love, and gratitude. Some more than others.... but I'm always afraid that it will make life much more awkward than necessary. I suppose this fear also stems back to the not-being-good-enough thing, which again, is another reason I get frustrated with myself.

Towards others, mostly the "adults" in my family (not all of them, but most), anger, sadness, bitterness. I will never understand why they are completely incapable of growing up, looking past each others differences, and simply loving each other. These people that I used to look up to, admire, and wanted to be like... come to find out, are greedy, jealous, manipulative, and too proud for their own good. Yet somehow, for some reason, their opinion of me still affects the way I think of myself.

Which, of course, brings me back to being frustrated with myself. I remember back in late high school, I used to pride myself in saying that not much bothered or offended me. There are probably people who still believe this to be true. But the truth is, I hurt a lot more than I let on. I do get offeneded, though not about what most people I know would consider offensive.